I am not a personal trainer; my only experience is as a client. After deciding to join a gym, I figured a personal trainer would be the best way to learn the ropes. After working with multiple personal trainers, I’m now ready to teach some of the ropes that seem to have been forgotten.

After my second cupcake in an hour, I'm thinking it's time to get back to the gym. Checkbook in hand, I show up and ask for my trainer of several months ago. Of course. Of course he doesn't work there anymore; this gym goes through trainers like ratty towels and the last guy was my seventh in 3 years. The prospect of #8 isn't exciting; but I'm at their mercy. This is great. Really. So I after a dose of attitude from the latest in a string of Fitness Managers about my lack of commitment to the gym, I make an appointment with a twenty-something trainer. Already feeling tired at the prospect of another new trainer; I decide to jot down some guidelines for this eager young thing who will have my health in his hands.

Customer service - Remember that your client is also your customer. He can spend his money elsewhere if he doesn't get what he wants. Annoy him, shame him or hurt him and he will.

Foreign territory - Although you know each machine and free weight by it's given name, your new client doesn't. Machines seem safe because they have instruction cards and because pudgy guys like him are there. Free weights are scary because the big buff guys are there, but not the instruction cards. Remember that the gym is a scary place for a lot of people. Teaching your new client the customs and social expectations will make him feel comfortable.

Lose the 'tude - Your sharply defined lats may be a source of pride and dominance in whatever pack you run in socially, but while you were refining your squat technique your client was getting his degree, or raising his children, or writing poetry, or loving his partner, or some other equally vital life experience. If you have the slightest eye-rolling impulse upon hearing that he doesn't come to the gym at least 4 times a week, squash it lest you someday get audited by the IRS and need a pencil-necked geek with a pocket protector to keep you out of jail.

Respect your elders - No matter how many pamphlets you read about bodies beyond their 40s until you have one, assume that you don't know a damned thing about them. They do not move or recover like the younger versions and no amount of cajoling, shaming or gentle encouragement is going to change that. If your client is contorted into a position that makes his face all red and puffy, expect that somewhere in his mind the voice that craves ice cream at inopportune times is demanding "Really?! We're PAYING for this?!" and don't expect to see him again.

Motivation - Take one fewer nutrition class and one more adult learning class so you can learn how your client is motivated. Hint: shame is NOT a motivator despite what is apparently taught to middle-school gym teachers and Personal Trainers across America. The more you ask him to do things that he can't, the more he will associate the gym with a sense of failure and he will stop coming. Work with him on exercises and workouts that he can easily accomplish at first so he will learn to associate going to the gym with a feeling of success. You'll be shocked at how willing your client is to work out if it feeds his confidence as well as his muscles.

Goals - Stop asking what his goal is. His goal is to get his butt into the gym on a frequency somewhere between never and lifestyle choice. Look around the gym at the number of people in the room compared to the number of people who pay for memberships. Where do you think all those other people are, stuck in traffic? Hell no, they're at the Cheesecake Factory because it provides instant gratification and you don't. If your opening line is asking what his goals are he'll make up something about flexibility or strength or some such thing because he's not willing to go all submissive and whimper that he just wants to have some muscles that are visible without benefit of an MRI.

No pain, no gain - Your over 40 client who hasn't worked out in six months needs a lighter workout than the one you work with four times a week. If you forget this, he'll wake up in two days unable to lower himself onto the toilet seat without a death grip on the window sill because none of his muscles respond. A week later when he's finally able to walk without wincing, the LAST thing he'll want to do is come back for more abuse.

That's it. I don't know if I'll be able to share these with him, but hopefully Trainer #8 will have as many skills for keeping clients as he does for getting them. Crap. I hate going to the gym.

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